Tattoo Removal - Once upon a time I drank so much tequila that I lost track of ... what's that called ... consciousness. Next morning, I couldn't remember a thing. Fortunately, the tattoo would jar my memory. The "tribal band" circled my left bicep like ...

Cheapskates - I come from a long line of cheapskates. Our family crest looks like the flag of Japan, only with a big, anxious rear end. The curse, legend has it, started with a sorceress who appeared as a beggar at the door of my great, great grandfather... ...

Aging - I'm at that age where things are starting to fall apart. Doctor Lynn said that my warranty must have expired. I won't give my age for religious reasons, but let's just say that my pants are up around the navel. That's how you can tell a man's age: ...

Gridlock - I live by a dock where cars are dumped off daily. Hourly. Mercilessly. They pass my street like I-Robots, half-wrapped, en route to Processing. It's starting to feel like an elevator full of sumo wrestlers. "Let me ooouuut!" Why do we call it r ...

In a Perfect World - In case you didn't notice, the world is not a perfect place. There's war, pollution, hunger, injustice, and of course Brittney Spears. Even little things don't make sense: rush hour traffic not going anywhere, boxing at the Goodwill Games, DVDs showi ...

Sperm Count - Due to technical difficulty, I scheduled with Dr. Klope a sperm count. Talk about tedious jobs. Can you see that poor guy over the microscope? "1,634... 1,635... wait, did I count that one?" Dr. Klope had one opening, eight a.m., which is way t ...

Complaining - My career in nagging started early, in Dad's Plymouth Volare: "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Until my dad, doing 80, finally said, "Yes, we are there, Jason. And you can step out any time you'd like." Mom didn ...

Super Bowl - Every year I look forward to the Super Bowl, and every year it's like eating a TV dinner -- always looks better in the picture. Nothing, not even Armageddon, could live up to the hoopla. The pregame show begins three weeks before kickoff, when neckl ...

Soccer - When you're five, soccer is a religious activity. You don't understand the rules, per se; you just kick the ball in a general direction and hope your mom is watching. Still, despite the unflagging support of five-year-olds, soccer is bombing on TV ...

Diet Food - You don't lose your innocence when you start having sex; you lose it long before then, the day you find out that pizza is fattening. That is when you're jerked out of paradise into the cold, prying world of Nutrition Facts. Today's kids grow up fa ...